Burrito On a Stick: Genius or Madness?
One thing I complain about endlessly is the inherent difficultly of moving a burrito from one location to another. IT IS SO HARD.
Let us thanks the taqueria gods then that in 1983, a man from Ohio named Eddie L. Bernal filed a patent for a “Readily portable burrito”.
Yes, that is a burrito. On a Popsicle stick. A “Burritosicle” if you will. WTAF. (Thanks to @bigphil for revealing this curious if not dangerous patent.)
Burritosicle MRI:
Let us investigate Eddie Bernal’s reasoning for this unorthodox burrito transportation methodology:
“With increased popularity in Mexican food, burritos have kept an equal, if not a faster, pace. Burritos are made of a soft, highly pliable tortilla in a generally cylindrical shape which is wrapped around a burrito food filler. The filler usually includes seasoned meat or beans but, more recently, other food fillers have also been used, including such items as fruit. With the tortilla being soft and pliable, and the filler being squishy, if not juicy, of practical necessity, the burrito must be eaten on a plate. Consequently, burritos are usually sold by restaurants with dine-in facilities or purchased only by customers taking them home to eat.”
WTF EDDIE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING YOUR BURRITOS OH GOD FOR THE WANT OF FOIL IN OHIO
The technical/legal description of a burrito ranges from poetic to pornographic:
“with the remaining portion of the tortilla constituting at least one half of the tortilla forming a chamber contiguous with the wrapped portion, a food filler contained within said chamber, and said tortilla having edge portions at the ends of said chamber closed off to enclose the food filler, said tortilla being at least partially cooked and in a semi-rigid, self-sustaining state.”
burritochikkabowbow. Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
Let us gaze again upon the magic that is the burritosicle.
You see Eddie, your use of a toothpick should have warned you entire plan was flawed. Anyone with the most basic grasp of burrito physics will notice this design lacks foil and therefore is inherently structurally unstable.
But Eddie has our backs, my friends!
“At this point, the tortilla 22 still retains its highly pliable, soft state and would quickly fall apart if one attempted to lift it by the exposed portion of the stick 26. However, the product is then cooked in a manner to cause the tortilla 22 to obtain a semi-rigid, self-sustaining state. In that state, the tortilla is not as crisp as a cooked taco shell, for example, but is in an intermediate state of hardness between a cooked taco shell and the original, soft, pliable tortilla. It can be described as having a hardness similar to that of a crescent roll, for want of a better definition.
A preferred manner of achieving this state is by immersing the assembled item in hot liquid. A suitable container of hot cooking oil at a temperature from approximately 325 preferably about 350 immersed in the hot oil until it rises to the surface thereof, which indicates that it is done. The item is then removed from the oil and the fastener 54 extracted to achieve the final burrito-type product 20 ready for sale and consumption. The product can then be eaten from the upper end 50 down and the consumer can carry it about while doing so. During the cooking process, the tortilla swells slightly so that the wrapped portion 28 tightly engages the stick.”
So basically we are looking at a chimichanga on a stick.
If my detailed internet research is any guide, could this Eddie Bernal (poor choice of last name, Eddie!) be this serial restauranteur from Texas?
Big hat, no burrito, Eddie. Learn to use some fucking foil.
But let us close with a GIF:
Burrito Justice 
“other food fillers have also been used, including such items as fruit”
WHAT
Fried plantains, yo espero.
Also, speaking of pornographic: “A portable food item according to claim 1 characterized by said tortilla being swollen slightly in its cooked state from its original state so that the wrapped portion thereof tightly engages said elongate member.”
While I agree that the notion of a burrito as anything but hand food is deeply troubling, once you say “deep fried burrito on a stick” it just sounds like state fair food, which gets a pass, right?
This guy has obviously never seen a real burrito made. His proposed wrapping technique isn’t topologically possible (where does flap #52 come from???), has no mechanism to hold it closed, and I would have to do some structural analysis to be sure, but I think that the stick would tear right through the side of the tortilla if you tried to pick it up like that.
I think it’s Eddie Bernal of Taco Ed’s, the sad dissolution of which is related here: http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1350&dat=19840110&id=PkBPAAAAIBAJ&sjid=ywIEAAAAIBAJ&pg=3964,2798299
While the details here are obviously difficult to, ahem, stomach, the concept is actually appealing to me. “Readily portable burrito” does, however, seem like both an oxymoron and a problem that doesn’t need fixing…
Great band name too, now that I think of it.
I find it very interesting that this mastermind’s last name is Bernal…
I would be willing to bet that this blog post was the result of a search for “Bernal” on patents.google.com.
What we really need to look at here, if we really cared, is a push pop like structure that can be used in place of foil to get similar results. Then you can have your stick and eat your burrito too, without lawsuits from people getting stabbed in the face by a forgotten tooth pic. Said push pop enclosure would be cylindrical in shape, rigid and large enough to hold said food item. Stick may be raised as the food item is consumed. Patent that Eddie, you anti-foil-ite.
Disclaimer, I do not grant you, Mr. Eddie Bernal, the permission to patent the mexican push pop. That is the sole right of Burrito Justice.
This is clearly to facilitate loading said burrito into a railgun.
Said rail gun would then be deployable on the burrito drone and could be used for humanitarian or nefarious purposes. Yet another example of the double edged sword of technology. But back to the patent. It would not be necessary if not for the super-sizing of the burrito in the first place. A 1.5 inch outside diameter burrito has all the integrity you need from several layers of rolled tortilla without the extra hassle and calories.