Important Space Burrito News
I re-watched Star Trek IV this weekend. For all of you born after 1986 a) I hate you and b) go watch it — it’s set in San Francisco and is legitimately amusing.
Anyway, a few Important Observations:
Does Sutro Tower still exist in the 23rd century? Inconclusive. There are precious few shots of the future skyline. Future Starfleet headquarters is supposed to be in Sausalito, but this shot is clearly from the Marin Headlands right above the bridge.
(How this ever will have gotten zoned I do not know. (Note also that this is the same angle as that ad with the chick sleeping in a bed. Outside. During the day.))
Anyway, this damn Starfleet Admiral insists on standing in front of Sutro’s most likely location, but there *is* some sort of tower above his left shoulder (well, really *his* right shoulder, but anyway).
Long Live Sutro Tower! I look forward to drinking on your observation deck one day.
TRAGIC UPDATE: reader Skitten reports: “So I went and checked, for that matte painting is still hanging on the wall at ILM, and can conclusively say that there is no Sutro Tower in the 23rd century.”
So the basic premise of our finely crafted movie is a big spaceship comes to earth to check up on our humpback whales. We have of course hunted them to extinction, and the interstellar craft’s songs causes it to rain and shut down the planetary power grid (insert 23rd century PG&E joke here).
Kirk & Co. go back in time to try to grab a couple of whales. I won’t bore you by repeating the tons of movie tidbits available online, but I discovered two extremely important points for our readership.
2) The whale singing ship that attacks Earth is in fact A GIANT BURRITO:
I can now see the plot for Star Trek XII: a giant burrito comes to 23rd century earth to check if pollo asado still exists. They broadcast loud mariachi music planet-wide, listening for a response of songs with horns and “mi corazon” in the lyrics. Of course, in a Demolition Man plot twist, Chipotle is the only survivor of the restaurants wars. The ship immediately attempts destroys the earth, raining down petagallons of pico de gallo. Kirk and Co. travel back in time to 21st century San Francisco to steal an El Tonayense and a Buena Vista taco truck (so they can mate) along with a tanker full of Negra Modelo.
Best Twitter response goes to @boxcatninja: “now I’m hungry for a burrito wrapped in transparent aluminum.”