There are so many ways this is wrong.

a) The burrito is a servant of mankind. The foil is your friend, it wants to help you.

b) Schrödinger’s Bürrito: the moment you touch it with a fork, it stops being a burrito.

c) Do not compromise the structural integrity of a burrito. You are toying with forces you cannot possibly comprehend. The very fabric of space and time is at risk.

d) Ridley Scott called and wants his burrito back.

In the name of burrito science, I inverted the colors.

Kind of looks like Chipotle.  In a reactor.  (While the chips are obviously emitting Cherenkov radiation, levels are within acceptable limits. The yellow salsa concerns me however.)

This of course was the subject of The Firm’s classic, Radioactive:

Well, I’m not uptight
Not unattractive
Turn me on tonight
‘Cause I’m radioactive

Additional analysis provided by KevMo.

No crime in the Mission? Clearly fiction.

Oh no, big trouble in Bernal Heights:

Hey, it’s Big Flora!

Hmm, any relation to Flora Grubb?  I can see it now: “MURDER AMONG THE PALMS!” Or — “RITUAL SUICIDE!”

Hey, this gives me an idea. Please leave your ideas for current day SF murder titles in the comments. No Maltese Falcon, but some starter ideas:

“STREET FOOD PSYCHOPATH!”

“VALENCIA – A BICYCLE BUILT FOR DEATH!”

“BURRITO BLOODBATH!”

So said (and drew) our Shitty Kitty friends at Telephone and Soup last night at the Shotwell Bastille Day festivities. More revolutionary pictures there, including general laughter at the fate of being guillotined by a foam board blade, and the horror of an innocent burrito becoming bifurcated.

Anyway, this Saturday you can catch some foam board action at the studio before T&S leave for Morocco.

p.s.  Speaking of Morocco, check out the George Orwell Diaries.  The Orwell Prize is blogging his diary entries from 70 years ago to the day. He spent ‘last winter’ in Morocco recovering from a lung haemmorage — some amazing entries (if you don’t mind wading through notes on his garden and how many eggs his chickens laid).

The ‘current’ entries focus on the fascinating and horrifying buildup to WWII.

• Poland states that Danzig will be occupied if Danzig Senate declares for the Reich.
• Conscription of all persons 18-55 ordered in Hong Kong, but evidently so phrased as to apply chiefly to Chinese & allow exemption to most of the whites.
• More reports of fighting on the Manchukuo border, sufficient to indicate that fighting (prob. inconclusive) has actually taken place.
• Explusion of foreigners from Italian Tyrol does not include Americans. Rumours that purpose is to cover movements of German troops into Italy.
• Public Information Leaflet No. 2 (masking windows etc.) issued today. German visitors state gas masks have not been distributed in Germany.

The Orwell Prize people have linked to many of the original articles that Orwell references. Should make for some interesting summer reading — only two months until Germany invades Poland.

My basic, visceral response is “Are you fucking kidding me? Of course not.”

NOT A SANDWICH

STILL NOT A SANDWICH

breadXbread shares this opinion. Turns out the Massachusetts legal system has weighed in on the matter as well. A mall bakery had negotiated a “sandwich exclusivity clause” and sued when a burrito maker moved in. Verdict — a burrito is not a sandwich. Food topology and anthropology was raised as evidence in the trial (two slices of bread vs a single tortilla, European vs Mexican roots).

The bakery rather unimaginatively argued “for a broad definition of sandwich, saying a flour tortilla qualifies as bread and a food product with bread and a filling is a sandwich.”  (Dude, beer qualifies as bread, but you don’t see me ordering a Trumer Pilswich.)

I personally would have used the classic “torta defense” — if there’s something in a parallel food universe that is clearly a sandwich (a torta), then another thing (a burrito) that you are trying to claim is a sandwich is clearly not a sandwich. Q.B.D.  (Quod Burriterat Demonstrandum.)

I don’t know if this says more about the sensibility of the East Coast justice system or New England stubborness forcing this to come to trial. (Eating burritos in a mall is a different problem entirely.)

A long debate follows in the comments section of Unbreaded on the burrito/sandwich “question”, including some desperate rear-guard action by the sandwich borg who would like to label any and everything a sandwich. My favorite, however, is the very first by commenter BJN:

The burrito will never let you down. The burrito is a warrior. The burrito has a surprisingly shapely silhouette. The burrito knows what you need, always says the right things and doesn’t hesitate to be just a little bit vulnerable.

The burrito is, by choice, not a sandwich. It doesn’t need, nor does it want, to be a sandwich. Let us not waste more time with such folly! A burrito is no more a sandwich than a hamachi roll, and for that I am eternally grateful.

We do not need, and dare I say that those of us who possess a modicum of sanity do not want each and every one of our food items to be a sandwich. Let us embrace our differences! Let us celebrate our varied tastes and indulge our rapacious appetites! Let us sing our gastronomic idiosyncrasies! I am large. I contain multitudes.

That, my friends, is poetry.

Cast your opinion below if you dare.

OK, so it’s not a scan, merely a dramatic zoom with the iPhone. But given the overwhelming support for al pastor in the burrito scan poll, I figured a short term solution was in order.

Longer term goals for R.I.B.S.  – the Research Institute for the Burrito Sciences — if I get my hands on some liquid nitrogen I could deep freeze a burrito, take picture as I make thin slices, and then turn it into a MRI-like stop-motion movie!

Added bonus – we would have unique appetizers after it thawed out.  Viva Burrito Chips!

SFist reports there is no such thing as a free burrito:

Berkeley Burrito Brawl Ends Badly (Daily Clog)

Apparently at 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday, a few men got into a fight over free burritos at Juan’s Place near the Berkeley Aquatic Park… and it didn’t end well.

While the police haven’t released the names of the people involved, at least one person is in the hospital after getting beat by a tire iron and a metal pipe.

Contra Costa Times, via CurbedSF:

One hospitalized, two arrested after food dispute (SJMerc)

Berkeley police say shortly after three men walked into Juan’s Place restaurant Tuesday afternoon, they became involved in an argument with employees over free food, which the men often received at the restaurant.

A police spokesman says when two of the three men brandished a knife and a belt, two restaurant workers grabbed an iron tire and metal pipe and beat one of the men.

That man was taken to a hospital where he was unconscious Tuesday night. Two of the restaurant employees were arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

Given how seriously the employees take their burritos, thankfully the drunken customers didn’t try to stuff the burrito down their pants.  That could have gotten ugly. Especially if dressed as a superhero:

Captain America Arrested with Burrito in Pants (PW)

On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said [Doctor] Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.”

The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station. There, while in a holding cell, police said, he asked to use the bathroom and tried to flush a joint, also hidden in his blue tights, down the toilet.

I think the real crime here is how poorly the burrito was being treated. Maybe the good doctor was expecting this response (but that requires knowing who in the bar reads Burritophile):

Can’t hear you, what’s that?  Yes, they put up a burrito poll.

Main page, center-right.  Let the debate begin.  Hope your webservers are strong, Mission Loc@l.

Soooo… What exacly makes this ‘executive’? The peppers? Or that you get two colors?

Burritotariat of the world, unite against the tyranny of the executive!