Sacre Blue! Le Chat de Merde, Découvert
(Warning — the speaker is French. Transcript below for those of you who cannot bear to listen to a crazed, fromage-eating chat-knapper.)
I haava the Basteeel keeety. And I am naaht geeving eet baahhk.
HON hon hon hon! [ed: french laughter]
Hon hon hon.
Are you CRYING? Are you crying, Steeeven?
‘ee is MINE.
While you may think this your prototypical French villain, even the most dastardly have great respect for Bastille Day. Therefore I have concluded that this could very well be a disgruntled descendant of French royalty.
The possibility exists, however, that the criminal is NOT FRENCH. While this may seem shocking in light of Steven’s recorded evidence, bear with me.
While researching French transcription techniques (note there is little agreement on how exactly to enscribe French laughter in English), I came across this “training video” made by English pretenders. Note this critical screenshot of a moustachioed activist explaining how to “laugh French” :
Hough? HOUGH? Dear god, could it be Allan? I hope not, but the chain of evidence is certainly worthy of inspection by international art investigators:
1) Allan just returned from Spain and Germany, two countries SUSPICIOUSLY close to France.
2) Allan likes street art.
3) Shitty Kitty has recently shown up as street art.
4) Allan has known revolutionary moustachioed tendancies.
5) Allan can look a lot like this guy:
Steven, I think I know who you need to speak with next.